Irony
by ThePotatoThief
Summary: Claire laughs in the face of ridiculous plots and thoroughly enjoys murdering innocent zombies whilst listening to the Foo Fighters. Little did she know that she is in fact the character of a story which ironically has a ridiculous plot and involves the murdering of zombies. And, no, Claire will not be falling in love with anyone any time soon. Rated T because of potty language!
1. Chapter 1

**Uhh, so, hey! Seen so many Call of Duty: Zombies fics out there, and some haven't been updated in a bit, so I'm just gonna be a dick and contribute. Except I'm going to be more of a dick and go ahead and update the stories so then people don't get fustrated. I hope that's what's going to happen anyway. I don't want to be all nice and leave the story abandoned on a cliff-hanger, 'cause that's what you all want, isn't it?**

**Um, yeah. Enjoy this shit and y'know, comments are really stupid and you should never ever leave comments. (That was sarcasm, by the way, just in case you take it seriously and never leave comments)**

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**The Most Cliche Story Ever, also titled 'Irony'**

**Chappy Numero Uno.**

The room would have been completely dark, if not for the glowing light of a computer monitor. Clara Winchester giggled at the ridiculous fan fiction on her screen, which she read at 2 am, just for her amusement.

"Psh, 'Oh, it's a girl who played Zombies and got magically teleported into the game and suddenly kicks ass'. How cliché." She clicked the 'go back' button, and went back to the list of fan fiction under the genre 'Call of Duty'.

After reading three or four of the ridiculous fan fiction, of which most were unfinished, Clara was in hysterics, and collapsed onto the floor laughing. She spent five minutes like that, and eventually managed to bring her heart rate down, but not before complaining about her belly being sore after laughing so hard.

The seventeen-year-old regained her composure of 'elegance' and then decided to munch on some snacks from the kitchen. _Ha, this is why my parents shouldn't have left me alone for the weekend to go to a Foo Fighters concert without me. Looks like I'll have a concert on my own_. Comfortable with her selection of snacks, Clara then proceeded to the lounge where the Xbox was set up. Setting down her armful of supplies, she eyed the console in mock fear.

"Oh, great and mighty electrical, magical currents, let me enjoy the all-powerful game of Zombies without teleporting me to another dimension... pretty pleeease?" She then chuckled with a shake of her head and turned the console and tv on.

Sitting down on the amazingly comfortable sofa, She started the game up, (shouting an 'ignition, on!' whilst doing so) and scooped the snacks around her. Once the Black Ops main screen was on, she selected the Zombies, mode and looked through the selection of maps. "Hmm... which one should I play first? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo..." The map chosen was Kino der Toten, and although it was no doubt one the most simple maps in her opinion, she decided that it would be a good map to start on.

The loading screen finished alongside Richtofen's entry, and the blue electricity faded as the round started, revealing the hands of the Japanese soldier, Takeo Masaki, and the beginning line of, "We must bring honour to this place."

"Yes we shall, Takeo!"

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"RAPE TRAIN! CHOO CHOO MOTHER FUCKERS!"

Night had become day, and Clara still fought the ever-growing zombie hordes well into the more difficult rounds after accidentally restarting one match (and ending up as Tank Dempsey), finding out 'what happens when I do this?' on several occasions, and forgetting to pause when she needed to run to the bathroom when she couldn't hold it in any longer. But she got it right this time, with Juggernog, Speed Cola, Mule Kick, and Quick Revive, matched with a pack-a-punch'd HK21, Ray-Gun and her favourite weapon, the ballistic knives with the bowie knife.

But that had to be when the inevitable happened.

She walked into her own electric trap.

"NO NO NO NO NO FUCK!" In her overtired anger-fuelled rage, she threw the controller on the ground and growled at the screen as Samantha laughed evilly.

"Fuck you, you little shit."

"Oh, you shouldn't have said zat, girl. You'll have to be punished for using bad words!" Said the demonic voice, which then laughed in its creepy laughing voice. Clara raised and eyebrow and rubbed at her strained eyes. Okay, maybe she'd been playing for a bit too long.

She rolled her eyes and reached for the silver power button, and muttered, 'crazy ass brain playing tricks on me.'

"Ah! Fuck!" Claire shouted as she touched the console, receiving a small shock. The Xbox whirred angrily, but remained on. The teenager put her numb finger in her mouth and scowled at the stupid console.

"Fine then, if you don't want to cooperate, then I'm gonna use force." She said, reaching for the wall switch.

Bad idea. An incredibly strong electric current passed through her and pain jolted through her entire body, and the last thing she thought before blacking out was:

_Stupid fucking fan fiction._

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**Does this seem short? It does to me. Meh. It's the intro. It's bound to get longer and better (heh, that's what she said) as the story progresses. Yes, Clara is vulgar. No, there will be no romance. Clara has a brain and the only thing about her that is also like myself is her love of the Foo Fighters. Oh, and I also have a brain. I hope you, the reader(s) have brains too.**

**So, um, comments and all that lovely friendship-ness is always appreciated. If anyone wants to Beta this shit, just hit me up with a message, and I would love to take suggestions for this story!**

**And as FrankieonPCin1080p says,**

**I'll see ya in the next chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2

**HALLO! I only just posted the first chapter yesterday and already there's a couple of reviews and bananas - uh, I mean views! Yep. AND A FOLLOW! It's Christmas!**

**M3D1C101: HAH! That is so epic! Claire is like, one of my all time favourite names! Hopefully this chapter is good too! I mean, it might not be, but you'll have to read it to find out of course!**

**Ciriajacobs: THANKEY! :D**

**I sacrificed Skyrim playtime for this chapter so you lovely beautiful readers can have moar! Because I'm nice and not a Richtofen.**

**So, um, on with the show - ahem - story!**

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**Chapter 2 (I can't think of good chapter names)**

The moans of the living dead filled the halls of the dark cinema ruins of Kino der Toten, but were snuffed out by the louder noises of gunshots, war cries, belching and manic laughter. Personally, the latter would scare me more than the zombies. But nothing could scare the American.

Tank Dempsey of the US Marine Corps crushed the skull of a limbless zombie with a heavy stomp, and grunted an 'OORAH' as the shattered skull and blood oozed out from under his boot. He then proceeded to shoot a screaming zombie in the throat, which was, in his opinion, the easiest way to shut someone up. Speaking of shutting someone up, insane laughter irritated his ears as the German Doctor and 'friendly' neighbourhood psychopath, Edward Richtofen literally dived onto a zombie from the stage and drove his knife through it's skull with the propelled force of his body.

Dempsey sighed and shook his head. What a fucking weirdo.

To his left, Nikolai belched in the face of a zombie before blowing it's head off with a shotgun. "Haha! Dempsey, did you see that? Is like killing one of my wives again!" Too busy with his drunken laughter and just general drunkeness, he narrowly missed a zombie claw at his face. "Holy fuck! Zombie wants my face. I know it is pretty, but you cannot have!" It's head suddenly exploded, sending bits of goo flying onto the Russian's face. "Fucking suka! Who did that?"

"You have no honour!" Takeo scowled, marching past him to head towards the dressing room.

"Go and play with your monkeys, stupid Takeo!"

The zombies began to die down soon after, until there were no more. Tank swore under his breath and checked his ammo. Good thing the wave ended then too; he only had a few bullets left in his last mag.

The four zombie slayers left the rooms they had fallen back to so that they could regroup in at the stage. The Marine had been forced back as far as the alley, and if it weren't for the claymore he set on the staircase leading down into the alley itself, he would have probably been zombie chow. Speaking of staircases...

Tank was just going back up them when he heard a moan coming from the dumpster beside him. He paused where he was, gripped his gun and sighed, heading back down them to search for what was probably another zombie. The moan sounded different though. It wasn't like the zombies' blood-curdling monotonous moans, it was more human... and more feminine.

He seriously hoped it wasn't Richtofen.

As he neared the dumpster, he spotted a bundle of something amongst rubbish bags of God knows what. "Uh... Hey?" Tank said, aiming his M16 at the bundle for precaution. The bundle moved! It was alive... or undead? No! It was a girl!

"Holy...fuck."

The girl looked young, dressed in black skinny jeans, Doc Martins and an AC/DC t-shirt with a dark grey long-sleeved shirt underneath it. She sat up and squinted her eyes shut as the sunlight from the alley stung her eyes.

"Ugh... last time I fall asleep on the sofa... the damn thing looks more comfortable..." Her accent was light and unfamiliar to Tank. Perhaps she was from Australia or something...

"Hello?" Tank said, cautious as to not startle the girl. She stopped and froze suddenly, opening her eyes rapidly fast revealing bright emerald green eyes. She recognised that voice...

"Who...what? Where am... I?" She asked, dazed and puzzled.

"In Germany. In an alley." Tank said, "Who are you?"

"Germany...alley..." She bit her lip. Something was so very, very wrong. So, so wrong that it made her gut churn and her instincts scream out _'RUN, YOU CRAZY ASS BITCH! GTFO! RUN, FORREST, RUN!'_ She shook her head when she realised that the voice of the blurry man said something else. "Um, pardon?" She said, remembering her manners.

"I said 'who are you?'. How did you get here?"

Adding another question onto a question, lovely.

"I uh, I'm Claire. And I don't know... and did you say 'Germany'?"

"Yeah, I did. Name's Tank Dempsey."

Claire rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times. She looked up at the man again... _wait... Tank Dempsey?_

"Oh shit." Claire suddenly sprung to her feet, and pushed past Tank, but then stopped so fast, she almost fell over. Her eyes scanned the setting before her and she kept repeating 'oh shit' over and over again like a mantra.

_This looks far to real to be a dream. And if it was a dream, I'd be kicking ass right now and not hyperventilating. Am I hyperventilating? Yes. Okay. Breathe slower, damnit!_

"Kino der Toten." She mumbled aloud.

"What?" Tank asked, who was suspitiously watching the girl. He almost jumped when she spun around with a horrified glint in her eyes.

"I'm here, and so are you and you are Tank Dempsey and I am Claire Winchester. This is Germany... no doubt..." She paused, spun around, looked back at Tank. "Where are the others?"

Tank raised his weapon. "How did you know there were others?" He snarled. Claire rolled his eyes. I'm a girl and not Samantha. He won't shoot me... I hope.

"Just... shut up, and come on! They're probably at the stage." She suddenly bolted for the staircase, and Tank growled, taking chase after her.

By the time he caught up with Claire, she had three weapons aimed at her, and was having a staring competition with Richtofen.

"There you are, you little-."

"-Dempshey! Explain this little... frauline. Now."

"Da, Nikolai wants to know why there is little girl here. Or am I just... seeing blurry?"

The Japanese man shook his head, mumbling "No honour."

Claire objected by raising her hand.

"Uh, excuse me... I can explain myself, thank you very much." She said, folding her arms. "I'm Claire. I'm not from around... here. Obviously. If you want a batshit insane theory as to why I think I'm here... just ask. But I wouldn't bother. It's just a stupid theory. Um, anyway, I woke up with Mr. Tank Dempsey, here, staring at me. I don't remember anything before that. The closest thing I can remember was saying good bye to my parents when they left me at home for the weekend."

"What is your theory?" Richtofen spat. "Why shouldn't I just shoot you now?"

"My theory is that I must have somehow teleported into this parallel universe. How that came to be, I have aboslutely no idea. And why you shouldn't shoot me? Why waste ammo, when the zombies can do that for you? I'll survive as long as I can, and then you can be happy when I die. Okay?"

"How did you know about the zombies?" Tank asked with a glare.

"Und was ist this about a parallel universe?" The German spat.

Claire rolled her eyes. "Firstly, Dempsey, look all around you, douche-bagel. And if I couldn't tell by the y'know, rotting bodies... the smell kinda gives it away, yeah? And secondly, Doctor Richtofen, the world I came from- zombies are intirely fictional. Nonexistent. I must have came into a parallel universe for there to be a world where zombies are in fact, reality."

The guns were raised again and Richtofen's face was lit up with a mixture of blinding rage and curiousity.

Claire's eyes widened as she realised her mistake.

"We never told you his name." Tank said, aiming his weapon at the girl's head.

_Oh shit._

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**HAHAHAHAHA CLIFFHANGER. Not really. Because it would be a short story if I just... y'know shot the main character in the back of her head. Okay? And I think in a chapter or two's time, more stuff is revealed about Claire including her behaviour. And I just wanted to also say that I really didn't like this chapter because I had written it better at first, but my cat freaking STOOD ON THE POWER BUTTON ON MY LAPTOP AND LOST EVERYTHING I HAD WRITEN AND- oh shit my xbox just turned off and I didn't save that either ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH. Also I didn't write in Richtofen's accent, only words in German. If you really can't be bothered with Google translate, then just ask me to write the translations for them and I will do! Same with anything Russian or Japanese in later chapters!**

**So how was your day/night/whatever?**

**Reviews are always welcome, and if you have anything to say, just say it. Suggestions are always appreciated. Especially the Richtofen-accent-thingy. Um... yup.**

**So long, and thanks for all the fish!**


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